The White Bumblebee
by Forsaken Elf
Summary: Severus Snape does some thinking about Albus Dumbledore before he kills him. [Songfic: Behind Blue Eyes] [slight hints at slash]


**The White Bumblebee**

A/N: You're probably wondering why I chose to name my fic that. It's actually because Albus Dumbledore means 'white bumblebee' - J.K. Rowling always imagined him walking down the halls, humming. D I love it. Oh, and this is my first songfic--- the song is "Behind Blue Eyes" by The Who and re-done by Limp Bizkit.

Disclaimer: Obviously I don't own anything that even remotely resembles Harry Potter or the song, "Behind Blue Eyes". If you sue, all I have is $1.43. So I'd prefer if you didn't. )__

No one knows what it's like  
To be the bad man  
To be the sad man  
Behind blue eyes  
And no one knows  
What it's like to be hated  
To be fated to telling only lies  
  
I knew all along that this day would come. I felt it in my bones, his blood would be on my hands. Malfoy would never kill, not yet at least; he's too innocent... and none of the other death eaters would dare impose on the Dark Lord's wishes... But why? Why me?

_But my dreams they aren't as empty  
As my conscience seems to be  
I have hours, only lonely  
My love is vengeance  
That's never free_

I sit here in the quiet dark of my office, fighting back tears--- me? Tears? I hadn't cried since I was a child, so long ago when my parents fought... and now I was caught in a fight far beyond running away from home, far beyond the hope of it ending well.  
God... why you, Albus?

_No one knows what its like  
To feel these feelings  
Like i do, and **i blame you!**  
No one bites back as hard  
On their anger  
None of my pain and woe  
Can show through_

I've always known I was hated at this school. I didn't really care- why should I? As long as I had Albus Dumbledore's favor, had his trust... then nothing else mattered. That was what the Dark Lord had said to me, words sharp and precise as though he'd been thinking it over for a while, he knew exactly what he was going to say. God, curse him-- curse the Dark Lord, curse the moment that Tom Marvolo Riddle set eyes on Albus Dumbledore and then the moment he set eyes on me.

But no, Severus... keep your act up. Keep your 'cool'. Seal this twisted fate of yours.

_But my dreams they aren't as empty  
As my conscience seems to be  
I have hours, only lonely  
My love is vengeance  
That's never free_

I hear them now... they're in. The Death Eaters are fighting the Order in the school... and I can't bring myself to move. To help or to hurt. Either way, I will die. But why does that matter--- when was my life ever more important than your's, Albus? Never, and I know why. Your actions are free of the evil mine are empowered by, your head not filled with the darkness that has been permanently stamped into my own since childhood.

I sigh as I feel the first tear roll down my cheek silently.

Dare I say it? I love you, Albus. Because, though you are not innocent, you are pure. Every time I am in your presence, I can feel it. I feel it now, in fact... but it is dim. So dim.

_  
No one knows what its like  
To be mistreated, to be defeated  
Behind blue eyes  
No one knows how to say  
That they're sorry and don't worry  
I'm not telling lies  
_  
Why didn't you **see** it, Albus? They were right there before you the whole time, my lies, my betrayal! Why hadn't you probed a little further into my mind, past the blockades I was only half-heartedly keeping up? The moment I saw your gently twinkling eyes, the hate I had for you instilled into me by Voldemort melted away to pure duty. It was never anything personal. I just wish you knew that before now.

_But my dreams they aren't as empty  
As my conscience seems to be  
I have hours, only lonely  
My love is vengeance  
That's never free_

The door opens to my office, and Flitwick rushes in, half delirious and out of breath. "They're here, Severus! We have to go, the Death Eaters are here-- come-- hurry--"

Well, Severus. This is the time. You must make your decision now.

"Severus? Didn't you hear me? We have to go! There are Death Eaters right in the hall with the Order--"

"No."

I don't wait for him to sputter with indignance, to yell and scream more. I simply knock him out with a spell that had hardly touches my mind before it was on him, and stand, wondering what in the world drove me to do the one thing I didn't want to do.

Walking out, I notice the half-insane blonde and Granger standing there, shaking. "Flitwick passed out... help him," I say simply, and then continue on, numb with disbelief. This is the end. The point of no return.

I push my way through the small clot of dolts standing in the doorway; try to make the numbness all-consuming so that I don't have to feel this moment in my life. But I fail horribly as I see my fears confirmed--- you are quite alive, and Malfoy is standing there... afraid.

I meet your eyes while you slouched against the wall, so weak that the trademark twinkle in those sapphire depths was almost gone. And you whisper things I never want to hear, both aloud and in my mind. You beg. And I can't take it anymore.

I'm so sorry.  
Forgive me.  
Please.

_No one knows what its like  
To be the bad man,  
to be the sad man...  
Behind blue eyes._


End file.
